The past few nights I’ve had a terrible hard time putting Jessica in her own bed for the night. Actually, I have a hard time when it comes time for me to go to bed and all I want to do is pick her up and take her with me.
The sweet smell of her feather hair and her baby breathing in my ear all night long. I just can’t seem to think that when I’m laying on my death bed I will have thought that the schedule was more important than the moments of sweet slumber with my child in my arms.
The schedule is my friend, I love the schedule. But what a bitch consitency is. And it’s not the habbit of a family bed I’m afraid of, because I know the dangers involved, but I can’t shake the feeling of utter desperation when I go to bed – the yearning I’m experiencing, it must be love. A love so strong, a love so powerful that I can’t put words to it’s justice.
Sometimes I think about life without Jessica – and although there are certain freedoms that come with that – I feel devestated at the thought. My heart literally breaks at the thought. And all those times my parents said they would do anything for me, die for me, jump infront of a moving truck for me – I knew they meant it, but I didn’t understand it. And now I do.
My heart is beating for the breath of Jessica.
I can’t help but think about my dad at times like this. I knew he loved me with so much of his soul that he could feel my pain when I didn’t know I was hurting. And I know with my soul now, that he’s feeling my pain because I am hurting. I wake up everyday and go on with life like a stranger to the world I thought I would live in until he could see my daughters getting married. I don’t think I’ve really dealt with the death of my pappy – I’ve “moved on” and kept a strong front, I’ve embraced motherhood and kept busy keeping house.
The naked truth is, a little part of me is slowly dieing each day that passes in his wake. A small portion of my ability to keep going is ebbing away at my soul. I miss him so much. And to think if the situation was reversed, if he had outlived me. I cannot imagine what his soul or state of mind would be. A parents love for their children is a testament to the ability of selflessness.
One day when you read this Jessica, may it be when you have your own babies or you’ve turned 16 or you just want to hear again the story of your birth and the miracle surrounding you – be reminded that with every cell of life in my body, every single molecule – I love you 10 times that, plus one.