2 years

Two years ago today we buried my dad. I’m done being politically correct in this situation. So let me just say that if there are family members who read this site and are offended by that – stick it. I’m entitled to this, surprise … little Jodi has a mind of her own – oh and feelings. Forgot about those didn’t we.

The past two years have been beyond painful for me. Learning to be a new mother and wife in the midst of one of the greatest losses I’ve experienced in my short life. I’m pretty sure that in the midst of living life I forgot to grieve or was afraid of it – and I’m still going through shock and loyalties and all kinds of mixed up emotions.
There are days that go by without me even thinking about my dad and I feel selfish and guilty about it. Then there are days when I can’t think about anything else and I wallow in pity because, to be honest, other than a select few – after the funeral, no one even asked me how I was doing. They asked about my mom. She was married to him. Apparently since he was technically my step dad I pretty much didn’t exist in the realm of grieving for him because I still have a dad. How callous of me to claim I lost mine?
I’m angry. I’m angry because I do love my birth dad but sadly I’ve never had the relationship with him that I did with Wayne and for reasons I won’t go into I clung to Wayne. I loved Wayne, Wayne was my dad. I have 2 dad’s. And I lost one. I lost a very important one. I’m angry that to this day my birth father hasn’t acknowledged the pain I go through daily. As hard as that may be for him and as selfish as that may be of me – it would make a world of difference to me if he would just acknowledge that my feelings are real.
I’m angry that I even feel this way. There are big issues with loyalty and children of divorce – when you’re at mom’s house, do you hate dad? And when you’re at dad’s house, do you hate mom? Is it ok to have fun at one house, more than the other? What if I don’t like the rules at that house, or why don’t I have the same toys? Why are my friends different here and when can I see my cat again?
I have those same issues only I’m not dealing with different houses I’m dealing with different people. Both play the same role in my life but it’s even harder because not only my feelings are involved, but theirs are too. And it’s very evident that one is threatened by the other while one just loved me, regardless of my feelings for him or the other one.
I don’t want to be forgotten anymore. I don’t want to be angry anymore and I don’t want to feel sorry for my grief anymore. I am grieving. The loss of a lifetime. I just want my daddy back.

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