You are a wonderful accompaniment to such beautiful dishes such as pudding and pizza. I love your creamy texture almost more than I care you even have a taste – but I love that too. I really enjoy the thickening agent you’re capable of and I would be lying if I said I haven’t dreamt of swimming in a pool of ooey-gooey Velveeta at least once.
You’re in all my favorite recipes – stroganoff, cookies, brownies, alfredo, creamy soups and on and on and on. But You’re Fired. I no longer accept your standard of lactose. Bovine’s produce milk to turn a 100 pound calf into a one ton calf in one year, and you know what – Dairy, you’re awesome at that. You do exactly what you’re supposed to do, for cows. For humans, and I mean me in particular, you create all kinds of havoc on my belly and my body.
I’m pretty sure someone with too much money to loose is funding your advertising to drink milk or have dairy at least 3 times in a 24 hour period. Dairy, you are not healthy for most of the public who believes life won’t be complete with out you. I’m sorry. No, I’m not. I used to be one of those people. Then I did a radical thing, I cut you out of my life – good bye, I said. No more.
You wanna know what happened to me, Dairy? I got better. I stopped having certain bodily issues and my cramps and all around womanly features greatly improved in your absence. But also? I lost weight. And my mood was improved almost 99%. I reserved the right to the last 1% because sometimes a girl just needs that reservation. You know?
Oh Dairy, how I miss you some times. I just want some soothing, self loving cheese. I just want to feed my inner pain with your white forgiveness. Some times I just want you to curl around my throat and tell me it’s going to be ok. But you’re such a bitch like that – not only do you curl around my throat and lie to me, you increase my mucous production and clog my sinuses. You give me instant gratification with a heaping helping of self loathing.
And don’t tell your mommy, but I’m totally seeing Rice Milk in your absence, and we have great chemistry. I let him curl around my throat all day long and you know what happens? Nothing. He loves me, he won’t hurt me, and better yet – he won’t use me as the vehicle to further his career.
Dairy, I’m breaking up with you, for good this time. Don’t call me, don’t email me, don’t even look at me from your refrigerator section at the grocery store.
You make me sick.