cringe coming to a bar near you

I’ve had some pretty awful first kisses with guys. My very first ever, the second guy I kissed was a mess, the vacuum guy, soft lips who would turn out to be gay, I kissed the guy who would become my cousins husband and then her ex, and Aaron and my’s first kiss was – well a little different.
Depending on who read this I’m either going to shock you into praying for me or worry you that I didn’t date around more.
I’ve kissed 7 guys. I won’t tell on Aaron and reveal his number – but I will say you’ll be shocked into praying for him.
I can’t remember the name of the second guy I kissed – but it was in LA on a CRC summer camp thing. And we got caught and had to pick up trash because of it. He also gave me my first hickey – which I took a photo of and have since pasted it into a scrapbook. I’m a little weird like that. I also have a photo of my first zit. Please don’t ask. This is the boy who was a mess and who totally wanted to be my boyfriend. He was a sloppy kisser. I did not want to be his girlfriend.
I’ve talked before about the vacuum and the complete mess that was. So I won’t go into that again. Very bad kisser. Very, Very Bad.
On vacation one year in WA I had a bit of fling, if you will, with the boy who end up being my cousin through marriage. Oddly enough that wasn’t awkward at all. My mom will tell you that on this trip to WA she was ready to drop kick me off the top of a mountain. I was testing out my independence much to her dismay.
On another vacation through the East Coast I met a boy from Ohio – and aside from Aaron he is my fondest memory from my dating parade in high school. He also takes the cake for best kiss before Aaron. I’m not being politically correct here, either – Aaron really is a very good kisser. Well practiced, even. Ohio boy and I dated for a few months – making the trip back and forth to see each other. We wrote letters long hand to each other. It was very sweet sixteen.
Now Aaron and my’s first kiss is a story to tell. So much so that I wrote it out and work that night and kept it in my diary for my kids to read some day. It was that good. And by good, I mean surprising and um … awkward.
We had been on a few dates – one even on my birthday and when he found that out he almost tried to kiss me on the ferris wheel but I wouldn’t have it. Our first kiss happened after spending the day playing around down town, jumping in fountains, getting food, talking to friends. I had this great idea that we should climb a tree in Centennial Park – and Aaron, always being up for this type of adventure, climbs up and helps me get up, too.
We’re sitting in this tree, in the middle of the park, in the middle of the day when the look came – we both knew it was coming. There were branches near our face, so it was looking tricky. But the whole tilt and science of the nose touch worked out well – it was what came afterwards that FORCED me to open my eyes and just watch in complete confusion as to what the hell was going on.
It was like I wasn’t even involved in the kiss. The tornado tongue had been released. No one, ever, had even slightly tried to kiss me like that before and I had absolutely no frame of reference as to how to respond to this. So I just sat there, wide eyed and waited for it to be over. Not kidding here, it was a cyclone in my mouth.
After the kiss I just looked at him like he just told me with complete conviction that he was Jesus, the son of God and was waiting for me to believe him.
I asked him what he just did. Why there was a 5.4 Tornado going through my jaw. He said he wasn’t sure how I kissed so he just resorted to the last person he had kissed and how that went.
Um. Wow. So you’ve kissed someone like that before? And they liked it?
No, they kissed me that way and I thought I’d try it.
Well don’t feel the need to do it again. Ever.
I then got schooled on all the different ways to kiss – you know, the bee sting and the tongue gymnastics. I can assure you this was Aaron’s way of saving face after a bad report on a kiss. He did make up for it though – and then asked me how I liked to be kissed. So I showed him.
And we’ve been practicing ever since.
I don’t know how to end this post. So, uh. Tell me about your worst kiss. I have journals full of this stuff. Seriously. Some one has to have a worthy story here.

5 thoughts on “cringe coming to a bar near you

  1. Oh Jod, I looooove it! I really can’t think of any bad kissing… oh wait. I have it. One summer I had a fling with a boy. An older boy. As in, he was in college and I was like, 15. He was a family friend and I think my parents thought we were just friends. Albeit friends who were together until 2 am every night. That’s a whole different story. This guy also ended up to be dave’s best friend which we totally laugh about now. Anyways, after one long makeout session under a tree by the lake I was smoothing out the back of my hair when I noticed a lump of some sort in my hair. I asked him to check it out and he was like, “AHH!” Its my gum! Your dad is going to shoot me! And then AND THEN he runs out to his car to get his POCKET KNIFE! AS IF!>!>?!?!?!?!?! So I promptly yelled at him to get a hold of himself all the while freaking out myself. I had a hooded sweatshirt on so I just put it up and walked home. Thankfully my parents were sleeping but I had to figure out a way to get all the gum out. I ended up using peaunt butter and it worked fairly well. The next day was the first day of school. I’ll never forget that whole thing. It makes me smile. Thanks for sharing Jod. It brought back memories!

  2. Leanne, I LOVE IT. haha. I never had anything to do with gum. But I do have a story about trying something for the first time and then having to come home to my parents and tell them I was home only I was COMPLETELY convinced they knew what I had just done and were going to call me out on it. Nothing to do with boys either – just being 16. I don’t know if my mom even knows what happened that night either – I suppose it might make it to this site one day.
    But having to do with boys, My parents came home and walked in on Aaron and I in a great makeout session once – only I didn’t have a shirt on and my mom figured it out and kept the conversation going to see how long she could make me squirm. My dad (Wayne) never found out about it though – and my mom asked me specifically to keep it that way. HA!

  3. The first kiss I had “with tongue” was with a guy who I had been going on a few dates with, he was about 3 years older…so I figured he should had practice since I was a freshman in high school and he was just about a senior, but appartently not. We were in the driveway of my parents home when he went it for the kiss….I was totally unprepared when he just stuck his tongue so far down my throat I gaged and just about threw up on him. AND he didnt stop at that, he just kept his tongue in my mouth for a little while!! Finally, I said I needed to get going and got out of the car, we havent really spoken since!! AND I have not kissed with tongue since…yep thats right! NO tongue, its just gross. My husband now says he couldnt imagine kissing with tongue again!! šŸ™‚

  4. Jessie – that’s awesome. My first kiss was equally horrifying with the tongue – although it didn’t scare me away. I always pictured my first kiss being this sweet peck full of emotion and undying love. It was that – although there was a very wet tongue and some very awkard silence, too. The Ohio boyfriend didn’t kiss with tongue which was super sweet and kind of endearing – it did make for a confusing first kiss though. But an even better second šŸ˜‰
    Some times the pecks are just better. But not always šŸ™‚

  5. One horrible kisser I know, who shall remain nameless, practically gives the recipient a tonsillectomy with his tongue! Eewww! Another guy that I dated briefly during my first stint in college reminded me of a cold, dead fish! The absolute best kisser I EVER encountered was a guy I dated in high school. How pitiful is that!? The best kissing I ever had was nearly 30 years ago!! I obviously need to do more field research on this subject.

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