There’s nothing like a fire full of regret burning right in front of you. Also add in a couple glasses of wine and my night was a winner.
I don’t have much more to add to the whole thing other than whats done is done. There is quite a chunk of my life that I never ever write about because of those circumstances and thats ok. I’m not old which is why that saddens me, I feel like I’ve already lost so much. BUT!! It no longer matters, those memories are gone – I’ll never again have to relive those days.
Also? There were some really good times mixed in there, memories of my girlfriends and normal care-free high school stuff. My journals just never really highlighted those moments because of the shadow of everything else going on- it was my free therapy and at that time in my family a journal was as good as it got.
Dear high school memories,
Ah yes. You again. Well. Hi. I don’t have much to say about you. Unfortunately for me I’m a big part of the reason I never enjoyed you and I always blamed it on something else because it was easier to think that the chip on my shoulder had nothing to do with me. Oh right – I also dated a douche bag. Don’t forget about that. But I have, now. It just doesn’t matter. I never had the dreams about walking through high school naked – but I think I always feared that I already was naked, exposed – that everyone knew my business, there was no safe place to go, no safe person to talk to … and now I have some of the most amazing people in my life.
Girlfriends who stick up for me and love me despite all the crap in my past, a husband who healed parts of my heart with unconditional love that I never knew were broken until I knew the power of his unchanging, undaunted care for me and two very small people who look at me every day and say my name … Mom. Not much else matters when it boils down to that.

One thought on “Afterthoughts

  1. The value of some of those shitty early experiences is that we now know how to spot and appreciate the good stuff when we encounter it!

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *