There’s nothing like a fire full of regret burning right in front of you. Also add in a couple glasses of wine and my night was a winner.
I don’t have much more to add to the whole thing other than whats done is done. There is quite a chunk of my life that I never ever write about because of those circumstances and thats ok. I’m not old which is why that saddens me, I feel like I’ve already lost so much. BUT!! It no longer matters, those memories are gone – I’ll never again have to relive those days.
Also? There were some really good times mixed in there, memories of my girlfriends and normal care-free high school stuff. My journals just never really highlighted those moments because of the shadow of everything else going on- it was my free therapy and at that time in my family a journal was as good as it got.
Dear high school memories,
Ah yes. You again. Well. Hi. I don’t have much to say about you. Unfortunately for me I’m a big part of the reason I never enjoyed you and I always blamed it on something else because it was easier to think that the chip on my shoulder had nothing to do with me. Oh right – I also dated a douche bag. Don’t forget about that. But I have, now. It just doesn’t matter. I never had the dreams about walking through high school naked – but I think I always feared that I already was naked, exposed – that everyone knew my business, there was no safe place to go, no safe person to talk to … and now I have some of the most amazing people in my life.
Girlfriends who stick up for me and love me despite all the crap in my past, a husband who healed parts of my heart with unconditional love that I never knew were broken until I knew the power of his unchanging, undaunted care for me and two very small people who look at me every day and say my name … Mom. Not much else matters when it boils down to that.