word vomit

I’m alive!! I am, really. Aaron has been in Seattle for the past few days working and I was at my grandparents playing solo-parent … which lets just be honest here, wasn’t fun. It had it’s very bright moments and good relaxing times too – but mostly I wanted to strangle something and scream. Oliver decided that the nights without his dad around would be the perfect nights to stay awake screaming for a few hours and then not to nap well during the day. But he was, of course, all smiles. Always is – stinker. Which makes it inevitably hard to stay mad at him. And yes, choke on it, I get mad at my 7 month old. Deal with it.
Part of me wants to stand on top of a virtual soap box and yell and nothing for this entire post because I’ve been full of pleasantries and how-do-you-do’s for the past week and a half – and I want the pressure of being the perfect mom to be lifted. I want the mom-guilt to stop already and I just want someone to look at me and see something other than the milk stains and bags under my eyes. Vacation with small children is sometimes synonymous with a few four letter words.
I don’t really know what it is – and I don’t want to be associated with helplessness every time I say things like this because I know how other women read things. Especially other mothers. We might not sit and gossip over tea these days but we sure get kicks out of seeing, virtually, someone doing less than us online. A mom having a hard day is an outlet for us to feel like maybe we’re not too bad – today is a good day for me so I’m better than her. I’m sure this isn’t true for everyone, but I’ve read blogs before and felt so WONDERFUL about myself afterwards because I wasn’t feeling that low.
HELLO!!! I may not have 5 children, but I have proven that 2 is quite overwhelming for myself. And this’ll pass – they’ll get older and I’ll probably find myself crooing over these times, how little they were. I get that. But right now, today. As I sit here – let me just say this outloud, because I’ve been trying to live this lie for a good 12 years. I AM NOT MY MOTHER. Always thought I would be. Always wanted to be. I get joy from having children and helping them prosper but not like she did, I don’t know where she got that but it was amazing to be her child. And I still am. I get to be her child my entire life – and my children ?? They get to be her grandchildren – how special is that?
I love being a mom most of the time but it feels so empty other times, like if I have to wipe pureed carrots off my shirt one more time I might rip it off and burn it instead. And it’s difficult to look at these people who trust you completely and you feel like you’ve failed them no matter where you turn.
But that’s the lie I’m no longer willing to tell myself. I am a product of my mother’s parenting and the joy she had in doing it- but I am not her. My children deserve me as their mother, not something else.
Maybe I just need to pep talk myself, why I choose to do this kind of thing on the entire internet is beyond me. It’s faster than writing it down in my other journals and writing this stuff in WORD and then printing it always makes me mad for some reason, like I spent this time writing something without any kind of personality once it’s printed. My handwriting tells a story of it’s own when I write in my journals and online atleast I get the chance to connect to other people through my battles, maybe they’ll be brave enough to say something in their own lives if I’m brave enough to try it. But anyway.
I wish this kind of thing could be anonymous though because I’d very much like to pretend like these feelings never happen and I know some of my family and friends read this – so looking at them after I write these things always makes me feel so naked and raw.
Geez. Send me on vacation more often to get to the good stuff, right.
Well – the vacation itself is going well. We’re visiting family and Jessica’s getting to know my younger cousins and loving it. Everyone thinks Oliver is precious and that his smile is just about the best thing since sliced bread. More photos coming, and I do plan on writing some stories about our time out here, with wonderful photos to help. You should see their freezers here. You’d think my family alone is trying to win a world record for stock piling food. And it doesn’t even snow here (most of the time).

One thought on “word vomit

  1. Hey Jodi,
    I am feeling some of those EXACT feelings that you are facing and going through right now. I feel like a complete failure at being a mom and not knowing what is best at times and having people stare you down until you break is something I am trying to overcome. I just turned 29 and I feel like I am looked at that I am a 20 year old that doesn’t have the right words, the right discipline, the right anything. I have been trying to get Solomon to take a bottle for a while now and there are people in my life that know I am struggling with this issue and they keep asking me about it and most of the time I feel like they care but other times I feel like they are just asking b/c they want to see if I have it all figured out and i just want to say to them that I don’t, I have no idea half the time! I soooo do not judge you when I read your posts. I RELATE!!! I feel you pain b/c I am going through it. I don’t feel any better then you at all, I feel that you are often better at this whole thing then myself b/c you write about it. I hold on to it!
    I am glad that you are facing who you are and that you want to become your own person…taking that journey can be a hard one. Your mom is so wonderful and I like that you said that you will always be her daughter and your kids get to be grandchildren to her! That is such an awesome view point and so something good to latch onto! Thank you for being honest and sharing where you are at. I need to be more like you and feel naked at times!
    love ya

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