I’ve gotten the itch lately to go back to work. Like, for the past 6 months. This nagging little feeling in the back of my head keeps yelling at me to get out of the house.
Problem: I won’t put my kids in daycare. Not because I’m against daycare at all – they could hang out with a family member and WE would still be raising our kids. That’s not the issue. The issue is this is what I wanted. This is the decision we made collectively before giving birth – before getting married. I wanted to and I would stay home with our kids.
It’s been amazing and I don’t want to miss anything with Oliver but I feel like I’m going brain dead. I could take classes – and we’ve looked into this, but that keeps me home. Sure, I might have to get out of the house a night or two a week to go to a class, or I could go to school online … but the brainsex I’m craving would be completely different in school than it would be to go out and be PART of the world around me.
Aaron is all for it – he’s just waiting for me to make the final decision but I can’t. I feel guilty for feeling this way and I think I’d feel even worse if I actually woke up in the morning, got ready and then kissed my kids goodbye for 6 or 8 hours. Even if it was part time. It would literally eat me. From the inside out.
I could work from home – bleh. No. I do work at home, 24 hours a day. I don’t need anymore responsibility or organizational occupations at home. I’m just fine, thank you.
Then this all begs the question of making this website more of a job for me, and I’ve talked a LOT about this. How to make it more successful, earn more advertising dollars etc … but thats just not me either. I don’t want to be driving this force. This whole experience and community is way better when I leave any kind of “future aspiration” out of it. It’s just fun. An outlet. And I’m learning to let it be what it is. If someday I get to sick next Heather Armstrong and be all “I KNOW!” in some kind of agreement with her because in a rapid twist of fate I have something to even talk to her about in person … then, um, I might just poop myself. I in no way anticipate that happening but I love surprises … so, you know, I’ll just leave that open.
I suppose this could be any number of other things. The weather, the one-car family, the fact that Oliver isn’t one yet and I still run a risk of developing some form of Postpartum depression, which would not be surprising with my history. But still. I just want the gnawing to stop.

4 thoughts on “Mediocre

  1. Ah, where to begin. I’m having those feelings too. Not that I don’t want to be with my kids but I guess that I’m just looking for something more. Something to make me feel like I’m more than a “snot wiping, diaper changing, sing another round of Veggie Tales” robot. I think you and I need to come up with “the next big thing”. The next Twittermoms or Momversations. Or maybe we just need our girls day and we can ‘find ourselves’ as we’re shopping and eating chocolate!

  2. YES!
    What is it about this time in our lives? Is it the age of the kids? The fact that this is no longer new to us, it’s what we do EVERY SINGLE DAY … I can’t put my finger on it.
    But chocolate and shopping, um … ok. tomorrow? Soon, for sure.

  3. I’m so there with you! We just sold our big giant hunk of an SUV (and man, I miss him terribly!) so we are also down to one car… but on the flip side we now have ZERO car payments (that part is pretty cool) BUT.. what that also means is that I seriously haven’t left the house ALL week. Except for the 30 minutes I took to pick up a few groceries for a friend that just had her first baby. I have total cabin fever…and to make it worse, so does Bella. She has been in the worst mood ever this last couple of weeks. I’m blaming it on the weather for now because I know that if it would just break the 60 degree mark we could be taking advantage of some outside time. Oh… and if you woldn’t mind… have some chocolate for me too please because I’m also the smarty pants that decided to start the process of total detoxification right now and I have had to put all the naughties in a tote in the basement and forget about them…. poor little truffles!

  4. Amanda!! Welcome to the one car club! haha. Are you guys going to get another one soon? We just started looking at minivans – but we’d sell our current car for the minivan and then probably get a moped or something fun for Aaron in the summer/warmer months to get to and from work etc. We’ll see. Just talk right now.
    Oh the power of a detox – when did you start – are you atleast past the crazy craving stage or is it right in the middle of that? If so, I’ll put a handful of cookie dough in my mouth for you RIGHT NOW. Consider it done šŸ™‚ haha.
    Which detox are you doing?
    At least the sun is out today on our side of the lake and it’s been AMAZING. We played hookie this morning and ran away to GR for some breakfast – perfect pick me up to a dreary feeling. I’m finally feeling renewed and inspired again.

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