random overwhelming anxious, I need prozac

Digital life has become overwhelming for me. Facebook. Twitter. Tweetdeck. Google Reader. Google Docs. BLA BLA BLA. It all started with tweetdeck. Apparently I’m not an easy adapter – because using this service was supposed to make twitter easier when, really, I wasn’t having any issues with twitter as it was to begin with. I like pattern. I’m a pattern person. I might do this wonky and out of order, but I like the semblance of order in my life. I need it.

Throw in something to change that and you could equate that to getting dunked in a dunk tank repeatedly for 4 hours straight. Relentless.

Plus I tend to get to a certain point of just not caring, letting it all hang out there for any one and then I FREAK OUT and stop everything. I clean out my facebook friends and decide that having family members “friended” is a bad idea. Then I freak out even more.

What is wrong with me? I just need to relax. It’s not like it’s ALL out there any way, I mean I write it here. But this is different and I don’t know why. I don’t really know who reads this on a regular basis. A few people, sure – friends and I know family does but there are strangers reading this and that’s more comforting that anyone I know. I just like not being able to see the other side of this website. I like community and the comments and conversations and emails I get – thats a blast. But I don’t REALLY see the other side of the site – all of you. And I like living in that bubble.

With twitter and facebook and every other manageable interface I see the other people and I just get overwhelmed. I get a complex like – who cares what I’m doing right now or if I don’t have anything interesting to say or to add then why add it.

It’s an up and down battle that I generally feel like I’m losing. It’s super fun. (not really)
So – there’s my dirty little secret, when I hide. It’s because I don’t easily “let people in” as I’ve been told before. I know. I know. I KNOW. I’m trying, but the roadblocks that are social networking just paralyze me. As does the truth of letting someone in.

I like my walls. They keep me warm.

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