And just like that, we’re done.
Oliver has been a binky baby since the beginning. We had a couple previews of possible thumbsucking, which I was SO hoping for being a thumbsucker myself, but he really fell in love with the pacifier. Nicnamed it his “Baba”. And now we’re done.
And I don’t know what to do. I’m glad that this was such an easy transition … we lost the pacifiers and decided not to replace them and we’re going on our 5th day without it. Naps were hard and the first two nights he looked for it – but we rocked him to sleep and all was well. He has his trusty duck with him and he’s not teething anything right now – so it was perfect timing. But was it?
This could be my last baby. Which, ok, this has come up A LOT lately. And lets just talk about this. Because I know you want to.
Jessica and Oliver are 3 1/2 years apart on purpose. Not as in “we planned to have our children so far apart” but more because we didn’t start trying to have another child until we were both ready. So yes, planned, but spacing? Not so much. That’s just how it worked out.
Here’s where I tell you something that I want you to instantly forget and never ask me about personally or hint at in person: Ever since Oliver was born I knew I wasn’t done. I want another child. My body wants another child, my soul can feel this other child. My table is not full yet, my heart is yearning.
This in no way means we’re ready to have that other child or that we ever will. Having two children is very nice. Life can be comfortable here. Stress with work is a big factor and that doesn’t go away with another baby, if anything it gets bigger. So there are a lot of things to weigh on our side.
Fact is this could be the last pacifier I transition out of. I had no idea that when I gave Oliver his pacifier last Friday evening it would be the last time. He was crying and not even sucking it – just holding onto it with his teeth while he reached out for me … and I walked away. I left him with a sitter and went out the door thinking it would be as is when I came home that night and here my entire reality is shifted and I’m drowning in memories and tears.
I love that this new phase brings words with it and more smiles and singing and babbling. I love the changes taking place but I yearn for the suckling and the instant calm of baby weight in my arms when a pacifier was the Wanted and then the Delivered.
Now it’s my arms and they’re always open to both of my babies. Either of my children who want to sit or hug or hold. I will always lift them up.
But I will miss the days of having a very obvious baby in the house. We now have a toddler. A boy. A son. We have a child. We have a person. He’s still my baby and a baby in my eyes, but he’s growing up and growing in.