turning points

If you and I haven’t yet met on the interwebs of facebook you probably wouldn’t know this:

From Sept 23.

First soccer game tonight! I’m excited to put my van to good use and be the official SOCCER MOM, I’m bringing snack and everything. World, I am a force to be reckoned with when orange slices and bottled water are at my side. When I pictured being a mom as a kid this is the year I always pictured. So let’s get to it!

You probably would also not know this:

Sept 24.

There was carnage last night at the soccer game. Jessica’s nose for one, my sweatshirt for catching all the blood and countless napkins and tears. My first night as a Soccer Mom turned out to be a little more stressful than originally thought, but the orange slices were a hit.

And then, to finalize the ordeal … this:

Sept 30.

Well in the middle of the game Jessica turns around and yells “YOU’RE STUPID” at me. She was angry with me for making her listen to her coach, what a bitch I must be. I would like to know what it’s like to have a child who doesn’t challenge EVERYTHING I say or do. That, though, is apparently not in my cards. I will do it again tomorrow, I will wake up and make them breakfast and smile and pray and I will triumph over the defeat. It’s what I do. It’s what we all do.

I wrote about how magical Jessica is to me here and how watching her play soccer in our backyard was not unlike watching her breathe for the first time. I was full of admiration and hope and excitement about this new talent, new gift. The beginning of a season in our lives.

I think for the first time I had a picture in my head of what was coming next and I was absolutely ecstatic about it. I felt like I had bragging rights just because I could see the brilliance of her shining.

I also think, for the first time, that what was in my head as fun was not what was in Jessica’s mind as happy. Aside from being 4 and kicking a ball around and all the non-rule playing and not-listening that brings, she genuinely doesn’t want to play when her jersey is on.

At home? Just kicking the ball back and forth, when she’s the obvious star? Yes. She would very much like to kick your ass and talk about it. When other kids are involved? When someone else might be the star for a time, when someone else has the light shinning on them? No thank you. She would like to cause any scene possible to be put in whatever light it takes to make her the one you are looking at.

She would like to call you names and throw fits and, try as you might not to sucomb to it, she would very much like to make it feel like you’re terrible because she’s not perfect RIGHT THIS MINUTE AT THIS VERY THING SHE IS DOING RIGHT NOW. And then you’ll cry.

You’ll make decisions based on hurt and anger and stress. You’ll fast forward 12 years and go to extremes about life when really? This is a fucking soccer game.

And your four year old just won the battle of the wills.

2 thoughts on “turning points

  1. i was just like Jessica…at least with the “you’re stupid” part.and i threw in a few “i hate yous” for my mom but we’re best friends now so if the next 13 years are rough, it’ll be way worth it to be her best friend later!!! especially when she decides to apologize for her mean statements….:)

  2. A strong child equals a strong, not easily swayed teen/adult. BUT – i do not undermine THAT MOMENT when you want to scream that it is, after all, just a four-year old’s soccer game – dammit.

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