I’ve been really scared to share this with you because part of me knows that some of you are going to roll your eyes and think “oh dear! What is she chasing now?”
It’s no secret to me, or most of the people around me, that I’m searching for something. I believe in God but I guess I’m looking for the right fit with my personal relationship to my spiritual one.
I’m not skeptical about my faith, I’m actually very grounded in it – I am skeptical of the people in my faith though – and how they tend to make me feel like I’m wrong or a failure for asking beautiful questions.
I realize we don’t have all the answers – and even the answers to the big questions are some times the smallest words. Like love. 4 letters, yet an entire culture and movement fit inside of it.
I absolutely do feel like a nut job most of the time. The company we keep doesn’t always share these feelings openly … or maybe they don’t have them, but I’m bound to them. I can’t escape them. And I generally feel alone or over-emotional. I’ve pondered medicating myself via antidepressants just to get the normal back but what’s really going on isn’t that I’m wrong or “they’re” right … it’s not that I’m alone.
I’m scared of unleashing ideas that have kept me where I am, stale in life. It’s not ideal but it’s been comfortable because I know how to navigate my own waters. But a pull on my life is happening. A pull on my story.
Maybe the truth is that I’m not really searching for something, but something is searching for me and we’re about to collide.
A few months ago I attended the BlogHer conference in Chicago. Super fun. On the last night there Stacey and I went to a couple parties and at one of them we ran into this woman who had a crush on another blogger in the room. Superhero or something. I had never read her site – but we stood there talking and she spoke about this other woman (her crush) like she was doing things to change her life. That reading her and keeping up with what she did on her website, in her corner of the internet, made this woman want to be better. More courageous.
We left the party a little while later and I think just went back up to the room. Didn’t think anything more about it, really.
I thought about it for a couple days. Hit the “apply” button more than once and then never went through with it.
And then I did.
I couldn’t get into the first session anymore because of all my lollygagging but I made it into the Oct session and ‘class’ began on Monday. Here’s to letting it go and flying above it all as the pieces land beneath me.
I’ll be holding my breath.