Turns out it’s not terribly fun to be the only one being vulnerable. Even more than that, writing about me, me, me all the time gets really tiring. But I don’t know which direction to go or even if I should “go” any more. Maybe I’ve had enough of this? I love to write, so I doubt that’s the reality but this week as we were getting ready for the Grand Opening of The Factory, I was peeling about 100 jalapenos for the night and my kids were playing at my feet. I thought to myself, God, this is nice.
It’s nice to be doing something for someone else.
It’s nice to have my kids playing, cooperatively, at my feet – I love being with them when it’s not complete mayhem. Which, to be honest, the more selfish our outlooks the more mayhem I have in the house.
It was serene and peaceful even though I had gloves on my hands and jalapeno seeds all over the house – we were together, really together and it was wonderful.
I would love to do more of that.
Naked on Paper is still alive and strong – but like I said it’s not fun to be the only one pouring it all out all over the world. I know I’m not alone, which is the very reason I started the site but I’m not going to be the soul provider of copy over there. You people, with your poetry and your stories and your history – you’re going to make it what I can’t … you’re going to make it something that inspires people and gives hope to someone when they’re down. You’re going to make us all feel like we have an Aunt that we want to kill around the Holidays and that our relationships with our parents, friends, coworkers isn’t perfect – and that’s ok.
Maybe I’ve never really said this before, which if that’s the case – I’m sorry, but I really care about you guys. The few that have come to me in person and brought something up about something I’ve written or asked me how something is going – you change my day. It changes my world to be connected to people outside of myself, to be real in my writing – but also in the shoes I wear every day.
So yes, I’m here. And even though you come here to find stories about my life and what we’re doing – I’m kind of over it. I’ll keep telling those stories, sure, but it can’t be about me anymore. That headspace and ego don’t suit me. Doesn’t suit the person my children need as a mother, or my husband needs as a wife. Or, really, any of you need on your shoulder making you feel hopeful for a life that really is just like yours.
Being naked on paper has challenged me in ways that were utterly surprising to me. Filters that I used to have or wear when talking to someone are completely gone. If I were writing this conversation I’d be telling you the truth, straight up, so why am I mammbie-pammbie dancing around the issue over coffee?
It’s good to get out of my comfort zone, but it’s also good to have balance – and if I haven’t thrown enough buzz words out already – let me just say that realizing all of this has been a really great experience for me.
I’ve got stuff to do. Maybe that means I’ll write about it, but more importantly it means I’ll be living outside my lines.