Around the block and back again

Tis the season for some green noses and coughing til 4 am. Right? Well, it’s happened here. Which is why I am now dependent on some coffee before noon (after noon just makes it impossible to sleep, I’ve found).

Jessica has been out of school all week so far due to this – which is what I want to talk about.

The coughing in the middle of the night for hours on end always brings me to the conclusion that she can’t go to school in the morning. For a few reasons … one, I can’t see the road to drive her because I’m dilerious of from sleep deprevation. Two, she’s coughing/hacking til 4 am and awake herself, there is no possible way she’s waking up before 11 am right?? RIGHT?!?!!?

WRONG. The girls internal clock is set in stone, she’ll wake up by 7:30 no matter what kind of sleep she’s gotten. Or if a tornado blew through the house – the girl will still be up at 7:30.

Any way – come morning it’s like the sickness has vanished into thin air and I think, should I be sending her to school? I mean, she’s learning about the letter J today … which is important because of, well, the alphabet. But she already knows her letters, how to spell her name, her address, the days of the week and how to sign a paper with signature. So, I guess the coughing wins again.

Problem is – last week she only had one day of school due to Thanksgiving and now this week, she’ll only have one day (going back on Friday come hell or high water, I’m the helper in her classroom and she needs to suffer through it with me. Plus, me being the helper means she gets to do show and tell – and don’t you all know how SERIOUSLY important show and tell is to a 4 year old? VERY.) and with all the traveling and holiday what-not coming up … I feel pretty gipped about paying tuition come the first of the year.

Ah, being a parent. I don’t think I can count how many times I’ve said this – but I have no idea how my mom was a stay at home mom to 4 kids for 16 years. When I was 9 she went back to work – but by then I was in school for full days any way. Yet, she still had dinner cooked, cookies baked and volunteered in my classroom every chance she could.

Maybe she’s just as crazy as me, but times 100.

Segue alert!

Which brings me to this … I love being able to stay home with my kids while they’re home full time (not in school). Aaron and I are in counseling right now to reconnect the communication after The Summer of Suck in the Schaap Household 2009 Edition. We’ve been to counseling before and will probably go back some more while we’re married for the next 75 years and counting. It’s wonderful, I highly recommend it to anyone wearing a ring attached to a vow on their left hand. However, one of the exercises we had to do was this little work sheet about finding out our and our partners top 5 (out of a total 10) “Love languages” essentially – although they’re calling it something else, can’t remember.

Getting to the point, I promise …

So – one of the 10 was something about Finances. Like, do you care if your spouse doesn’t bring home any income? Are you ok with your finances, is your situation working for you?

Let’s just go there.

Aaron brings home the pork chops. We are beyond blessed to even consider affording that I don’t make an income, especially for our geographic landscape and these economical times for most of the country. Being business owners can be really, really tough in the finance department, especially for a new business and especially now.

It’s not luck that this is something we can do comfortably. It’s the fact that I have one hellova husband who puts his wits to the test and makes magic happen.

So … I knew how I felt about this question on the test – that I’m ok with our situation. Although I would actually like to work outside of the house, even volunteering more, I am happy to be home and love that we can afford to live within those boundaries.

And I was pretty sure I knew how Aaron would react to this one as well – but he blew me out of the water. Not only did say that he was ok with the situation but he marked on his paper that he could care less if I brought home a penny. It just didn’t concern him whatsoever. He WANTS to take care of our family. He LOVES that his hard work translates into my being able to be a mother full time.

And to be honest, I thought he might have felt a little on the other end of the spectrum. Maybe thinking that down the road, when kids are in school – it would be nice if I brought a little something to the bank account.

So, huh. Here I’ve been feeling internal pressure to work again. Not only for myself, to get out of the house and be social – to interact with the public in which I’m living, but also because I want to help. I WANT to bring some bacon home. I WANT to be paid for a job that I can perform.

And it all just kind of evaporated when I heard Aaron’s perspective on it. The only person putting this pressure on me was myself, and it was completely unnecessary. If I want to work, then I will. And if I want to finger paint and read stories for 6 hours a day while my house goes uncleaned and my kitchen is a perpetual mess from cooking – I can put an extra $100 on hold for a few years to make these memories with my kids now, because I don’t ever get to do this again.

Maybe that’s been the most valuable thing for me recently. Some times I have this hot fire inside that just wants something different. I wish I didn’t feel like this, I wish I could calm the scream in my mind about getting a job – but there are days when I cannot. When all I want to do is drop my kids off to someone else and go punch someone else’s clock. I get tired of doing the same thing over and over again, of seeing the inside of my home 7 days a week with no escape – or no real need to escape.

But I can do this- and I want to. I guess staying awake til 4 am with a coughing child will put things into perspective for me every once in a while.

And we’re out finger paints … so I know what I need to do.

3 thoughts on “Around the block and back again

  1. Oh there are definitely days I would love to be punching a clock somewhere just to have an identity other than “mom”. Not that I don’t love being home with my girls, but, well, you know.

  2. I just have to say that you rock. Really. And that your kids will never forget the time you’ve spent with them. And neither will you! šŸ™‚

  3. Thanks Bonnie! I ran into someone at the grocery store the other day and they asked how old my kids were now (they remember Jessica as a tiny infant) and talking to her made me think “OH MY GOODNESS!!! They are growing up!” haha, I know I know. Obvious. But every day just kind of turns into the next one and all of a sudden we’re graduating highschool and getting married and holding grand babies. It all makes me tearful. I’ll stop now.

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