Let’s break from the madness of bedrooms, thrifting and photos for a sec, k? I need to clear some air.
In most of the Life List posts lately I bring my parents into the picture. My childhood. I feel like I paint it to be rocky, or worthless. Which it is very much was not.
I talk about being spoiled because there was such a rift between my siblings and I over this very issue – I am the baby, and I was very close to my step dad, more so than any of them, so I was just very aware of the differences between us. Not differences like – we’re just not the same – more like, the comments that were always made about how spoiled I was.
I get it now. I understand. I’m working through it. I’m figuring it out. I was spoiled, but I have always been ambitious – I just lacked follow through in a lot of the “grown up” areas of my life that I’ve had to earn and learn the hard way. And there’s nothing wrong with that.
After moving out on my own I would do laundry after it piled up and when everything was done and put away I would, literally, think I was home free. As in, I’d have at least 2 months before I had to look at my laundry room again. I’ve never owned that much underwear, so I was delusional. Naive. I just thought I put my time in, now it’ll just work out.
Minimal effort for maximum outcome.
But whatever, now I know better and I’m learning and trying to teach my kids work ethic and all kinds of things I want them to grasp early. But that’s not because I wasn’t taught those things. I was … and then I wasn’t.
Pretty much what I want to say is, my parents did a great job, and now when I’m writing about them or making it sound like I lacked some kind of growing up lesson or skill … some times that’s exactly what I’m saying, because it’s true, but most of the time I’m just being honest about how I was seeing the world back then … and how I see it now.
Part of me also wants to prove, so badly, to my siblings that I’m not that girl anymore. Judgmental, harsh, mouthy. There’s a bitch inside me that has seen too much light already, in my life. But I was protecting myself from rejection and hurt.
I feel like, in the past year or so, I’ve gained compassion in a way I’ve never experienced it before. Now when I hear conversations about families from friends and how they’re stressed out or don’t think somethings fair I just want to warn them. So often we talk about emotions and feelings as they affect us THIS INSTANT, but what about when those tables turn? What about the time when your family is having this same conversation, only it’s about you that time?
I don’t know. Am I making sense?
Any way. My parents are great. They did awesome things for me as I was growing up – and none of it had to do with being spoiled. I guess I bring that up now, more often, because we’re in a position to have spoiled children. Not with wealth … but with stuff. And I already see the effects of it and it grosses me out. Seeing a grand parent is not about a present and Christmas is not about the gifts … yet that’s what they expect because that’s what they’ve been modeled.
And I’m just done with being spoiled.
(I’m kidding, I still want flowers and massages. Please. Thank you.)