I’m kind of disgusted with myself. I write on my About Me page how “I love God with a passion I don’t know how to write about or even, most days, feel about. I’m worried and anxious about this belief because of how it makes me feel – but being grounded in His Word is something I’m striving for, so I’m no longer grounded in me. I don’t often write about it but maybe some day I will and it’s just important that you know this about me, no matter what.”
But then I never really say anything else about it – and when I do mention faith or leaning on a higher power, or thinking there’s a God or believing in God, I smatter it with disclaimers and “don’t judge me!” pretext because I still think, personally, that believing in something you can’t see is abstract enough to be crazy. Like, clinically so.
Then we jump the boat and decide to sell our house trusting wholly on the fact that whatever happens happens and I start to worry and then I start to read my Bible and post on Facebook “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord” and I’ve never been more at peace.
And I’m sick of me. Sick of thinking that I ever have anything to do with the beauty around me, that I’m doing something great or being something great. I never give credit where credit is due and all of sudden here we are, praying HARD for things to happen, mountains to move so we can embark on this adventure and I’m such a hypocrite.
Because I just don’t give a flying fuck any more if you like me despite my faith, I am a lamb of God and sick of hiding it. Not from you, from myself.
Yea, I swear. I totally fling the F word around in the same paragraph where I’m claiming Christ and, I apologize for being that lame yet in my journey – but THAT IS WHERE I AM. I’m just not going to lie about that anymore … to me. To myself.
So the offer that was on our house went stale – as far as we know the buyer just walked away from the deal. And that’s fair and we’re fine with it. I planted my garden with the kids today and can’t wait to see the seedlings grow. We might be ready to move on, but we have roots here too. New and old alike. Baby roots and walking ones.
Thanks for sticking with me through the growing pains.
6 thoughts on “argggghhhhh!”
i love the way to tell it how it is…you go girl!(does anybody say that anymore?)
Thanks Katie! haha, my mom does! and I do to Jessica … and Meghan (commenter) has said it here a couple times too 🙂 You’re in GREAT company.
Jodi,you are standing on God’s word that He says in Jeramiah 29:11.It’s tough to sit back and know that no matter what you plan or how you plan it ultimately,God has the final say in how your life will turn out.What you are doing is called FAITH.Believing without seeing.You know He is there and maybe your home still needs you and Aaron and those babies.God will move you when its time,HIS time and honey,his timing is perfect.
BTW I swear too.Biggest struggle.And everytime I think Im going to study the word well,life happens,you know what I mean.But were not perfect….But we dont have to be,we just have to BELIEVE!
We all struggle with these moments…and days… and weeks. I love God – and sometimes I need to say it louder and prouder. This is my journey. This is Jane Smith’s journey. This is your journey. This is a constant, ebbing and flowing relationship and journey. Sometimes it’s really pretty – and sometimes not so much. The nice thing is – whether we acknowledge it or not, He loves us.
This is SO honest and real – and refreshing. Someone wrote on my FB page about how I quote Jesus and swear right after. The truth is that I am way more nervous to quote Jesus than to swear. I just can’t even tell how you how much this resonates with me.
You should read some Ann Lammott. That women drops f bombs like nobody’s business!!