We’re going to kindergarten!

I think I worry more now about my kids than I did when they were infants and it was expected of me to worry about them.

Mostly my daughter, actually. We have a relationship that I can literally feel pain when she bleeds but to touch her is like sand paper on her skin and she recoils. I always want more, she always wants less.

If there were leashes it would be very small with her choking on the length but panting from the short distance freedom.

She’s ready for more in life, more trust. More adventure. More of something other than this and it’s been a real struggle this past few months to occupy her mind.

The caveat is always trust, she (at age 5) has yet to show us that trusting her beyond her current parameters in our lives is a good decision. So we continue to hold steady right where are – all the while looking at each other with burdened eyes because we’re so damn tired from pulling on 750 pounds of Want forcing it’s way past our threshold.

Jessica riding

This morning we had her Kindergarten Readiness test done at the school she’ll be attending in the fall and I will not lie, I was having a small panic attack that she would get in the class room and FAHREAK OUT – which means running and jumping and, think of it this way … it’s like watching someone have electromagnetic therapy – strapped to a bed, biting on a rubber strap – only her eyes don’t go in the back of her head. She kind of foils at the mouth some times, but it’s never bad. It’s just always a little uncontrollable.

At which point in my panic attack I envision the teacher walking out of the classroom to tell me, dead on, that this must be a joke? To bring her here thinking she can attend SCHOOL?!?! I must be out of my mind.

Don’t you worry. I was frightened for naught. She did GREAT! Better than great! We have nothing to worry about! She’ll go to kindergarten! NEXT YEAR!

This feels like such a proclamation because we tried to get her into Kindergarten last year but was told the above … with less horror and more seriousness as to why we thought our child was smart enough to be in Kindergarten yet? She only missed the age requirement by 6 weeks. And she is fucking intelligent. So yes. I thought kindergarten would be fabulous. The folks down at the Other school? Not so much.

So we went another round of preschool, in a different preschool, and the past few months we’ve seen some regression in her attitude and her willingness to listen.


Thank you Jesus! She’s just bored! She’s not trying to taunt us or be awful. She’s NOT awful. I’m not doing it all wrong. It’s a waste to worry! I’m STEALING JOY!

Outside play

We got in the car after her test this morning and she asked politely for her brother to share something with her. ohmygodohmygodohmygod. She sang songs on the way home and skipped instead of walked, but still stayed close enough not to require a reminder from me.

Which is when it dawned on me, right there, driving home and listening the joyful noise of a child who finally has something else to look forward to, that she can deal with the next few months of water-play and gluing scrap pieces of paper together if it means that she gets to GO TO SCHOOL and LEARN when she’s done.

Sometimes my worries scare me, I think to myself, is this ok to worry about? Am I doing it right? Should I lighten up here or crack down there? Should I, would I, may I?

And then I get a moment like I had today, where I realize that it’s all working out. It is tiring and worrisome and stressful, but fulfilling and life giving and awesome.

So we’re strapping our boots on for the last leg of this ride. The one where I cry and thrash my way about it but know full well that when it’s done, I’ll want to do it again … and so will she.

2 thoughts on “We’re going to kindergarten!

  1. I’m so happy for you – Kindergarten, Wow! I’m like you, and think that my son (who will be 5 at the end of Oct – just 30 days past our cut off) should go to Kindergarten next year…but we will just have to stick with another round of preschool. At least next year’s preschool agenda will actually be more school oriented – like pre-reading skills and more.
    Seriously though, what do you do for your daughter’s boredom? I feel like I’m at the end of my rope somedays!

  2. Jolibe – I do a whole lot of listening. Which generally means we’re on the go most of the time – Library, walks, parks. I try to have some busyness in every single day – otherwise, if we’re home all day at about 4pm she can’t take it anymore and we have to do SOMETHING. Play outside, get the sprinklers out, wash the car, watch the same movie 3 times in a row. recite the alphabet, buy workbooks and do every single page in one sitting.

    On the weekends we try to sit down and talk about what we want to do the following week, then we make a list and I try to fit in as many of those ideas into our week (mostly it’s going to a park or playing at places like Crazy Bounce or DeAnna’s playhouse around here) and I have a budget so I fit in what I can and I scour the town for the freebies.

    Feeding ducks.
    Walking on the water front.
    I Spy games, on walks, in the car.
    We make running errands (groceries, post office) and I spy game.
    Play dates, Grandma’s work for coffee.
    the Library is a big hit, she loves to read.
    and she’s just being allowed to be on the computer – so we spend some time on pbs.org every week as well.

    Now that summers coming too we have a few “fun” places in town that are free to residents, it’ll be good for an afternoon once in a while – something new to see, somewhere new to explore.

    She is an adventure seeking child so we try to accommodate her in that manner. Hikes, bugs, fairy-tale bed times.

    Also? Finger paint and home made play dough are godsends.

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