First, Thanks! For taking the survey and for giving me some much needed feed back for the future of this place. We’re getting a little facelift here in the next couple months and if there’s any time to make a change, it’s now. So I wanted to be sure. You’re all great!

The survey itself will be up for a while yet, so if you haven’t weighed in yet and want to – you’re welcome to do so. It’s anonymous.

AND! Today is the last day to put your name in the drawing bin for a bouquet of flowers. Weather has turned grey in Holland so I’m excited to be sharing some upbeat flowers with you.

Now, I’m feeling very out of control of my life. All the things that I think I, as a mother and as a woman, want are gone from my life. A house to make a home, space to create things, babies, security and even my own body image. I’m grasping at strings for something to make me feel like I’m DOING something. No matter that I still make meals for our family, mother our children, help with homework and write, take photos and go to events.

All of that is worthy of mention but I still feel so out of control of my own life. I don’t feel sorry for myself (most of the time) I just feel … bored. And a little lost. Like I’m walking on this path with no map and that’s exciting and very much an adventure … but there are stretches of the journey that I just need a destination.

Have you ever felt like that? Are you with me now?

A few weeks ago our pastor at church mentioned how he and his wife had literally fell to their knees praying about their baby who was still in the hospital and I remember thinking to myself … how uncomfortable. How awkward. With your spouse? Praying outloud?? On your knees?

How about I just lay it out there. We don’t do that but I want to. Praying is weird to me, I do it and I even enjoy it and I believe it works … but still. Talking to nothing? I might as well talk to myself. Talk to nothing WITH someone else? Who can hear what you have to say and how you say it? Um. No.

Lets just say that I need to get over myself more than anything else. I’m aware.

Going through this transition in our lives I’ve found that there are days when the ONLY thing I CAN do is literally get on my knees and trust that someone is listening.

I’d love to keep it light here. To only show you the fun and the crafts and the smiles. To talk about food (mmmmm) and share recipes, how tos and DIY lists. If that was all I had to do, this would be cake. But you’ve been my “talking to nothing” for so long. I would feel lonely without this kind of outlet.

So, I’m feeling out of control of my life. Which is ok. It’s probably good for once. I’m not feeling helpless or without a solution. I’m just feeling … different.

And different is good.

3 thoughts on “control

  1. I’m so glad you write Jodi. So glad you give voice to what we all experience in our walks with our faith and humanity. Keep trusting, keep praying even when it feels out of body, I am encouraged.

  2. YES! Yes. yes, yes. yes!

    Lady, you’re not alone. We don’t talk about it. Our struggles are all different, yet have common themes.
    I lost my wallet today. I do this at least once a year, sometimes more. Besides a child or pet or phone, it is the one thing you’re not supposed to loose. Everytime I beat myself up. Then I try harder. I’m getting better. Once it was found 6 months later, in a spot I had gone back to 3 times immediately following loosing it.

    This isn’t about a wallet. It’s about my expectations for myself, and relying on others, and being relied on, and OH MY GOSH somedays the biggest challenge is waking up, then taking all my worries, presenting them to the Lord, dealing with what I can, and walking away from what I can’t. And sometimes I forget.

    Coffee. Soon. Whenever.

    Deep breath. Now.


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