Alright guys – in the midst of EVERYTHING else going on right now, we’re still here only now we have 4 operating companies, no house, almost no personal debt and one big cavern in the middle of our life.
I’m constantly fighting myself to overcome this part of the journey. To walk through the wreckage of a marriage that my parents left behind for me to deal with. To piece together what happiness means to me, where romance won’t carry you to the next day and you can’t imagine doing this. exact. thing. over and over again for the rest of your life.
I’m still proud of Aaron and we’re committed to our marriage – we want to be here. But being here is really difficult right now. It’s painful and precious and all kinds of fragile. I have no problem whatsoever being open about this because guess what? If you’re married, we all have the same kind of marriage. The ones that take two people to keep it a working machine. Where the give and take have a balancing act that keeps wants/needs and expectations in order.
But we also have two kids and four self-owned businesses and I want to scream. I am crawling out of my skin. WILL SOMETHING PLEASE STOP?!?!
I still know that I am not alone. I have all those same feelings I had a year ago last summer. Our life got more stressful, not less and it was all our doing. This is what we wanted but now I want to change my mind. I want to be allowed to expect that at 6:00 every night the electronic devices will stop buzzing and Aaron will be home to eat dinner with us. I want to expect that he wants this too.
I want the people we think we can trust to stop fucking us over. I want our employees to get it and I want to hear how good Aaron’s day was, how effortless his process has become because the people he thought he had in place to make them work better? Actually DID THAT.
Don’t worry, I’m furious. And the only place to put that furry is into something that cannot hear me crying. Into making food for my family or drinking red wine alone before bed. Into be lonely and really careful and honest about what this – what’s happening.
I want to get off the roller coaster now. I am done.
For the past 10 years I have literally put Aaron and his business ventures before my needs or wants. Before my very health. I wanted what he wanted because I wanted him so badly. Now I just feel used. I feel forgotten.
I want to feel chosen. I NEED to feel chosen.
I have been open and honest with our situation with family and friends and I’m going cross eyed and blue in the face with their response. Do not email me if we haven’t had a personal conversation in more than 3 months to give me your heart felt “hand out of prayer” – I will fucking slap you.
It’s belittling to be reduced to your prayer request when last year you actually wanted to share my company. I don’t even care if you’re intimidated by my honesty. Grow a pair. Be a friend. And if you really are scared? Then run in the other direction, Fast.
I am reading books on marriage – Committed by Elizabeth Gilbert for one and I’m comforted that someone is being honest (because in the Bible Belt of West Michigan it’s expected that you marry young, pop out a bunch of kids, volunteer for coffee-break and make all kinds of cupcakes for kindergarten) about the actual expectations of a marriage.
I came from a divorced family that was just as dysfunctional before a divorce as it was after – only after we finally had something to blame. Then (as I lived with my mom and was mostly influenced by her) my mom remarried and had a wonderful marriage to a man that raised me as his own, whom I called Daddy – whom I loved dearly – who died when I was pregnant with our first child.
That marriage was salve to my mothers wounds of the brokenness left in the wake of the marriage from her own youth. But there were lies in that marriage too – lies I couldn’t name until recently. The lovely man who is no longer with us put my mom on a pedestal. She had no faults. She did no wrong. And I expected as much from my own marriage.
My poop does not smell, if you get my drift. And I’ve had a rude awakening to learn that, infact, I am not perfect. That I need to work through my own insecurities and that I am responsible for my own thoughts, actions and feelings.
And fucking scary. Because now I’m feeling responsible for all kinds of feelings and actions. Like blindly getting married at 19 with nothing but hope and love to keep us together and does this not raise a red flag to anyone???
Why aren’t we TALKING about this? I chose my life, my husband and my family. I’m not walking away from them. I want them.
But I need to make peace with so much that I’m leaving behind in the process. A death to self, if you will and I’m tired of dying over and over and over again.
I want to live, too.
So. There it is. We have a cordial marriage with passion and love. We’re good to each other and wonderful parents, together. We share the same family values and want the same things (mostly) in life … only … I wish he wanted me as much as I want him. As much as I need him. Don’t you worry, crazy ex boyfriends or male gawkers, I am not asking for an affair or for you to show me that you still care. I do not want you. I want him. I will always choose him.
And I’m learning that loving myself for all my shortcomings is the first to key to allowing someone else, who really does love me and want me, to open that door and welcome them in.