I often am overwhelmed by the weight of my emotions – is this not evident? I talk about it here a lot, not only those very emotions but the feeling of being underneath them and some times, after “saying it out loud” (read: writing about them here), I just feel so much better. Then later worry about all these people peaking into my home, my life, my marriage and wondering why I so willingly air it on the internet.

For a long time that was easy for me because I wasn’t confronted with my audience. Family, yes, but the other people reading this site never really made themselves known to me. I was oblivious to Aaron’s coworkers “listening” in on my conversation. I had no idea that past acquaintances or friends of friends would find this site and get to know me on a level that most people, face to face, still don’t. That strangers would one day be my closest friends.

Now I am very aware. Aware to the point of changing quite a few boundaries I used to never have here. (Surprising, isn’t it?) Not because anything bad has happened or I’ve gotten an onslaught of hate-mail. I don’t think I have thick enough skin to deal with that kind of pressure. That kind of exposure. I’m very happy here – with you.

For a long time this website, online journal if you will, was a way for me to be something ELSE than what I was in my day to day life of trying to become a mom. Trying to be a parent and a young wife – this was the escape. The place where I could go to forget about those things, even though I would almost always write about them – I could be the better version of me online. I always was.

Then a huge personal shift happened where I wanted to stop pretending and I started living my real life like I did online. And vise versa.

This website has pushed me to be more honest in my real life conversations because I’m so brutally honest here, in this medium. I don’t back down from opinions, whereas a few years ago I could have been EASILY swayed into thinking whatever you were at the time because it was that important to me to be liked.

These are my flaws, I live with them every day. Most people do. I guess, this isolation I feel from my emotions is not because I feel alone – it’s because I know I’m not alone but I’m still the only one engaging in the conversation and I don’t know how to make that leap.

I guess I’m just going through some growing pains – personal growth is painful. I just seem to be hell-bent on doing it infront of the world. Well, a very small part of the world – but my world.

So this is me begging you to be patient with me. I don’t want to stop writing about these personal conflicts and progressions but I also want to have the conversations about everyday happiness. The little things. I’m giving myself a pep talk here.

I’m trying to tell myself that I can be both, because I already am.

2 thoughts on “Happiness

  1. Jodi, I like you. Alot. JUST the way you are. You are passion and beauty. You grab life by the horns and even the balls sometimes and LIVE. IT. OUT. So much love for you. xo

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