Working through it

My puppet, is crying

I just sent an emotional roller coaster of emails to Aaron. Three of them going from understanding to resentful to loving.

Who wants to be married to me?? There’s a line out the door, I just know it.

I have a dear friend who is always honest with me, who I call when I don’t know that I can trust my moral code – especially inside of my family. She’s been through a lot and is a foundation in which I always lean on. She’s made the comment before about how selfish depression is and I’ve always had this gut reaction to a statement like that which usually goes something like this “Well, I bet if so-an-so was every actually depressed they’d have a different point of view”.

Also? Something along the lines of “Who the hell do you think you are?”

I tend to ride on Negativity’s back far more often than on her sisters’, Kindness, Patience and Happiness.

Again, taking applications for life partners. No one? I’m so surprised.

I absolutely think that if you’re in a place where the sun is not shining and medications are available – you need to trust that. We all need help in one or another at some point in our lives. Maybe it’s a hand to hold. A cup of tea and a long conversation or a little pill.

But I agree with my wise friend. Depression is very selfish. Especially if you’ve gone the route of marriage, kids and family. How fair is it that you create this life with people to love and all they do, for the rest of their lives, is take care of you. Your emotional needs. Make sure that you’re the one who can breathe easier, because we all know if Depression can’t breathe … if Bipolar kicks in … if Manic Days are imminent … there’s hell to pay.

How thoughtful of you to expect that of your 5 year old, of your 3 year old, of your 14 year old – of your spouse.

How very selfish, indeed.

I’ve been diagnosed with depression in the past – I’ve taken the pills. Then we got pregnant and I stopped taking the pills and, one lapse aside, I’ve stayed off of them. Wise? Smart? I really don’t know. It’s worked for me, is all I can say.

Until this past year, maybe 2?

It gets to the point where I cannot see the good anymore, I only dwell on the angry, sad and lonely. I can only see what is not going my way, our way – the right way and I panic that this is it! My life will never get better! I’m DOOMED.

Oh my God, someone shut me up already. SHUT UP.

So – the third email was this: (the loving one)

“Ok …

Sorry. Again.

Scratch that last email – don’t forget it entirely. I think I have some things to work on – but I just want to promise you that for the month of December I’m going to change my attitude. For the better, of course.

I’m going to choose to be joyful, caring, loving, available and happy.

I might need your help some days – but I know I can do this.

Love you babe

Jodi”

I know I can do this.

And now … you all do, too.

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