I have about seventeen different stories in my head right now and no time, organization or energy to write them thoughtfully hence:
Our son is on a mission to prove to us that he is invincible. This week alone we’re on the roller coaster of staying alive and healthy. This morning started off with falling out of bed, getting the wind knocked out of him and then choking on the mucous lodged in his throat. Which turns out is probably his entire face screaming at us that he has an ear infection … made known by the blood curdling screaming in the grocery store, bright red ears and his request to please go back to bed already (at 10 am).
I’ve been working through feelings of change … friendships that are changing, moving on or forward. People that are changing, moving on or forward and feeling a little sad to be left behind, left out or just left. I’m trying not to go deep into the pity party that I’m sure is waiting for me if I really indulged these feelings. But this is a season of change – for almost everything in my life. I’m trying to learn from it and take it as it comes, gracefully. Not always easy when I would like things to be *this* way thankyouverymuch.
My greatest resource has been sleeping next to me for the past 7 years and I’m just now deciding that it’s probably a good idea to start tapping into that resource. For some reason I’m blinded by the insane need to Do Things Independently that I forget, often, I have a partner in this who has amazing talents that could make my downfalls his obvious strengths. So I’m letting go and letting in. It’s transformational.
Along with the season of change in my life – it’s definitely a season of death as well. Of myself. The former Me. The “Me” I always thought everyone expected of me and really figuring out what Me means – without focusing ON me so so so soso sooooooo much all the time, omg, shut my mouth. Turn off the incessant neediness in my head and just start looking around – outside of myself, every day.
I continue to struggle with my blood sugar levels. And at this point, it’s all my doing. I can be the strongest most will-powered person alive until I taste the other side and then it’s just embarrassing. Would I like another piece of candy? NO! I would like them ALL, without chewing, tasting or even enjoying the sweetness. I just want it in my mouth and to fill the emptiness and boredom that I can’t seem to get rid of. Then, don’t you worry, I will proceed to calculate exactly how much “bad” food I’ve eaten – how much food I should NOT consume in order to counteract the obvious effects of the scale. Am I sick? Probably. Am I admitting defeat? Pretty close. Am I (head knowledge) capable of getting control of this and being healthy? Yes. Am I (emotionally) willing? For some reason, no. Do I need to kick my own ass and get outside, exercise and be athletic daily? You bet. Will I? I’d like to think so. Have I? Not once.
And to sum up this brain dump – I think the underlying issue for me is, in this season of sheer upheaval and change – of the direction life is going (which is where we were headed, purposefully, months ago) – that I am entirely scared shitless of what it is that I will be if I let myself actually be Me.
I’m afraid of being happy.
Stagnant is exactly where life is comfortable and safe for me. No change.
If nothing changes then, sure, things won’t get better, but hey – things aren’t that bad now. I can live like this, here. Except, obviously, I cannot.
And therein lies the battle I wear armor for every single day.