I share a lot. I think we’d all agree on this. I give of myself to whoever’s listening because I don’t know how not to. When you’re with me, I’m with you. I have a hard time being casual with people because I don’t do casual. I do relationships. I can be fun and light hearted, I prefer to be some times – but when friendship comes into the works it’s a sticky buisness for me.
I’m a SERIAL committed person. Monogamous to the core.
And I’ve been wounded and taken advantage of. I believe that my story is free. That my information is for everyone to see. That I was created to bleed on paper, to work it out with a pen in my hand and my thoughts all over the pages.
But I’ve got shit to work out. I’ve got confusing and conflicting emotions battling. Pride hurts, so does a family tree.
There’s so much going on where this website is concerned – a redesign, behind the scenes, commitments, stories … and it gets to the overwhelming where I have to stop. Where it gets really real and I’m constantly borraged with other people’s needs, wants and their perspective on me.
I have no idea where this website is going, concretely. I hear people whisper, I hear friends allude to things but I don’t get it. I can’t take hints, I need actuals.
I’m also afraid of stats. Of numbers. Of “readers” and “hits” and “pageviews”. I’m being asked to produce these numbers often and I loathe seeing them. Loathe. There are even numbers on my facebook page now and I do not want to be confronted with them. Last fall I took a peak at numbers because I try to care like twice a year and I was so scared that I stopped.
That’s not to say that my website means anything. I’m not Dooce, I’ll never be The Pioneer Woman. I am who I am. I write here. I breathe through this website and having to care that someone else is witnessing this is not unlike asking me to produce a tally of the people who will eventually be at my funeral – especially the ones I don’t even know yet.
It’s uncomfortable to be compared to mega-bloggers. And it’s not often, it really isn’t! I don’t want to make this sound like I think I have a ball to throw in their game. But it’s confusing too because I’m not compared to anything else, if compared at all. I just don’t know how to perceive this.
I love the people behind the redesign of this site because it’s forced me to get real about a few things. I feel completely silly half the time thinking that spending money on this redesign, spending time on it and meetings and visuals and this/that/the other thing – is all forward motion and when it comes down to it – I am afraid of succeeding.
Like pee-in-my-pants,-show-everyone-my-stretch-marks-and-fart-in-a-microphone-in-front-of-my-“who-I-would-choose-to-have-lunch-with-before-I-die-list”-of-people nervous.
I try not to take myself so seriously but how can I not? Someone said recently that I bare my soul here and it’s so true. How can I not take that seriously? This might be a silly business to other people. To market themselves, to work with companies and review items etc etc – whatever a blog means to someone – but to me? This is everything.
And I’m scared.