Lets talk about addictions

I’ve thought a lot about this one recently. And by recently I mean the past 5 years or so. I don’t think I’m a very addictive person.

I sucked my thumb til I was 11 … maybe that cured me? Actually … back up. I sucked my thumb til I was 5 and went through this horrid program through our dentist at the time to help me quit.

Here’s the break down of said program:

I was weaned off my thumb because (I think) they were worried about my teeth/jaw moving.

That weaning happened with prizes at the end of each week – the biggie (after quitting) was a Pull-string Mickey Mouse.

I wore an ace bandage every night so that when I went to suck my thumb my arm would go numb and I’d automatically pull my arm down to regain circulation.

They tried the awful tasting stuff on my finger- that didn’t work.

I also could only (as part of the weaning) suck my thumb for a certain amount of time (which was timed on a clock) every day.

I cried A LOT.

Ok – so … maybe I was addicted to my thumb – but really I think I was in need of security. Always have been. Still am.

I’m very good at being alone. I really really like to be alone – I was usually alone when I was a little girl, playing. By myself. With my imaginary friends. I was happy. Alone.

So my thumb and that dependency was my side kick and the extra “umf” I needed when I wasn’t alone.

THEN – my parents divorced. We can just stop talking now, can’t we? That’s always the reason. DIVORCE! BLAME THAT!

No, really – it was rough – I was 8. I started sucking my thumb AGAIN. So shoot me. Then I quit cold turkey when I was 11. Wanna know why?

My mom and step dad offered to buy me anything I wanted if I would quit sucking my thumb: I chose an ADDING MACHINE.

Who has more insight to my person now?

So, addictions.

I also went through a phase of smoking. But I could quit that too – on a dime. It wasn’t ever something I needed. I liked it – it was social. I can still have one every now and then and not look back, I enjoy it once in a while – but I hate cancer, so that helps.

I think I’m more of a consumer. I will eat and eat and eat the same thing every day, all day until all of a sudden – I want something else. My favorites change every couple months. I wear things out – so I don’t really allow myself the permanent attachment to something. The crutch.

And I also don’t understand it. I’m on the other end of other people’s addictions often enough. The shitty part is that I’m never chosen over X,Y,Z.

Aaaaand – blogging is cheaper than therapy! Welcome to my one hour session.

I pretty much just summed up it there: Loner, insecure without dependency, doesn’t trust things will last, won’t allow self prolonged indulgence, has dealt with feeling left behind since she could remember.

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