I love when other people quote my words back to me. It can be years, days … hours. Most of the time when they finish and attribute the words to me, I’m dumbfounded. Like I have this entire other literary person in my head who speaks about my soul – yet never really lets me in on the secret.
When someone reads these words back to me, quotes me, says it out loud … some times it’s like I’m hearing it for the first time. With a haze of deja vu surrounding it. In a dream state of amazement.
Being vulnerable has gotten more difficult for me only because my solid footing … in anything … is wavering. I’m unsure, I’m asking questions, I’m looking.
This might have something to do with it. The fact that a place to land is more like a hop scotch game and we’re running out of squares to land in.
In an effort to reopen my personal lines of communication to vulnerability … I’m going to quote myself back to me. Maybe you could add your sage words to the conversation in the comments.
“I’ve given myself permission to live outside of the box I was trying to work in and I feel more peace and strength these past few days. “
“I’m feeling fantastic these days. Eating better than yesterday, every day.”
“Life is just so much easier when you’re not running from something you can’t even hide from.”
“I’m valuable, I’m beautiful, I’m worth the health I want for myself I’m worth the work and dedication it takes to be healthy, I’m worth it.”
“It’s like the paper knew me and I was just going home.” (on journaling)
“This person, the one who’s numb and pretty much coasting through life, I know her – I can do her life every day – but the person I’m learning I can be, the person with emotion and feeling and opinions on more than mothering or marriage – the person with a personality, the person I’ve wanted for myself for 6 years, I don’t know her. I don’t know how to do her life or what to do when it gets scary.”
“It’s not that I can’t discover me, maybe I don’t even want to …”
And last but certainly not least:
“Oh Dairy, how I miss you some times. I just want some soothing, self loving cheese. I just want to feed my inner pain with your white forgiveness. Some times I just want you to curl around my throat and tell me it’s going to be ok. But you’re such a bitch like that – not only do you curl around my throat and lie to me, you increase my mucous production and clog my sinuses. You give me instant gratification with a heaping helping of self loathing.
And don’t tell your mommy, but I’m totally seeing Rice Milk in your absence, and we have great chemistry. I let him curl around my throat all day long and you know what happens? Nothing. He loves me, he won’t hurt me, and better yet – he won’t use me as the vehicle to further his career.
Dairy, I’m breaking up with you, for good this time. Don’t call me, don’t email me, don’t even look at me from your refrigerator section at the grocery store.
You make me sick.”
These quotes come from a time about 4 years ago when I was seeing an amazing wholistic counselor. If you’re from the area; she’s doing a seminar on May 21st and I’d be glad to get you the details. (And special pricing.)