Another holiday is upon us. Grills prepared, steaks marinating. Boats gassed up and old cars getting waxed for the big day. If there’s a motorcycle around, we’ll hear it. An airplane in the sky? We’ll see it. An adventure to behold? We’ll overcome it.
Dad’s unite! The one day a year where jokes about your wife are laughed at, you can sit on the couch watching sports and eating hot-wings and she’ll swoon at your from afar. The only day of the year that you’re doing nothing is actually a turn on for her. Celebrating fatherhood … the other aphrodisiac.
So what the hell do you get him?
Thats a toughy. Aaron doesn’t wear ties. So ….
For starters I made this:
Which can be downloaded here.
It’ll give the kids something to do with dad without feeling like they have to finger paint yet another card. Which is totally Mothers Day material … but Dads? They need meat. Emotions? Hand prints? Aww … baby kittens. THAT ARE EATEN BY BULLDOGS EVERYWHERE. Give dad a break. He doesn’t know how to tell the kids one more time that this picture of what? is that him? the house? it’s an airplane? Oh of course it is! is a wonderful gesture. Which it is, Billy and Sally. You did great.
Dad just needs to lie down and have his Scotch via I.V. before the days events begin.
Let’s put Political-Correctness aside for one day and shout about how awesome testosterone is. You like them apples? OH YES YOU DO.
So, now that we’re all on the same page about our 1940’s MadMen style father figure. Let’s buy Him the gifts.
He drinks coffee every morning and by 1pm he’s not sure if he’s ready for another espresso or just a tilt of the wrist of something stronger. You married an entrepreneur 101: Stress is what’s for lunch.
The guy walked the 100 mile forest of the Appalachian Trail for crying out loud. I bet he still likes adventures. I also bet there’s a Zipline near you. Is he afraid of heights? Oh, I’m sorry – the conversation about what to get Him for Fathers Day is over here.
Last Valentines when you finally bought something new for the “special drawer” he was pleased. As always. I’m willing to bet though that seeing you in short shorts with one of his old college T’s and some awesome orange converse shoes on one of these? Tops that special drawer … and you won’t even be naked. Take him down the hill you’ve always coughed at when he reports his route to you? Emergency room bill notwithstanding … you just renewed your wedding vows, the guy is reminded all over again why you’re the one he wanted to have kids with.
He doesn’t have a ton of hobbies? Not into football, golf is boring, the occasional hiker, would bike on a league if he had time, doesn’t have a gym membership because he doesn’t have time? I’m guessing you probably don’t own a boat then either. You could rent one just for Fathers Day. (We did that a couple years ago) and spend the afternoon on the water, with or without kids.
That could be a budget booster though, too. So maybe you can just bring the dingy from the junk pile out back into your living room and dress up Junior as the pirate. Serve fish for lunch, watch something boaty or fishy on TV and have a nerf gun water fight for dessert.
And at the end of the day of longboarding, zipling or boating he has room for one more surprise you can get away with this.
After he sees all the thought you put into the One Day All About Him he’ll be sure to finally say yes to hosting that Wine and Cheese Party you’ve been talking about for months. Which he’ll be ok with because at least the decanter does cool shit.
If at the end of the 17th of June you still have no idea what to buy him? Try replacing his tennis shoes, buying him car washes, lotto tickets or a certificate for an interior car cleaning. He’s always wanted to try lobster? Make it. You want to cash in on the Christmas money and buy him that new tech-thing … I bet he’ll appreciate it. Letting him off the hook for lawn-care this week or putting the kids to bed while he reads yesterdays paper for the rest of the month … those count to.
Whatever you do for the Father in your life – whether that means you had children with him, he raised you, is 1/2 your DNA, married in to raising your kids, or is a really special man in your life: treat him right, respect him. And break the personal barrier – give that guy a hug.
Then slap him. Of course. And dare him to drink the entire bottle of Screaming Ass Hot Sauce.
Beer’s will be on ice by the grill.