it’s not too late

It’s not too late.

I’ve had these phrases on my mind a lot lately – this one, and also “God is faithful”.

I’ve had this internal struggle about writing this because although I want to say these things, I’m a coward. Then I decided that if it was a letter to my kids, I would just tell them like it is. So.

Jessica and Oliver,

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As you’ve been privy to the last few years in this family, you know these struggles first hand. The doubt, the fighting, the crying. We all played a part in this demise. No one knowing how to do this differently, we all kind of just ran into each other consistently and figured we’d stick at some point.

Our words would stick, our rules, our ideas. Our dreams and hopes for the future. Maybe even our hands. If we threw enough words at each other maybe we’d get stuck in the slime and just find a hand to hold.

This season has been a long one for me and your dad. A hard one. A dry one. A desert with very little water, no horizon. Marriage is hard, I’ve said it before and Jessica – I will remind you over and over again, your ice cream isn’t done yet. Do not share your spoon yet. Wait. Please wait.

But then a root finally found a soil to sink in and these phrases have been popping up – literally out of nowhere – on my mind, constantly.

I couldn’t figure out what I was supposed to be doing with this story of mine. I’m so sick of parts of it, I’m currently dealing with the outcome of so much of it, I’m just so at a loss for how to go forward most days …

And then I was at a bridal shower for a cousin this past weekend, barely knowing almost everyone in attendance, and all of a sudden there was a whisper “Jodi, it’s not too late.”

It’s not too late.

It’s not too late to love your kids the way you know you can. It’s not too late for them to feel it. It’s not too late for your marriage. It’s not too late for you. It’s not too late! It’s not too late for your faith, God is faithful. It’s not too late to figure this out. It’s not too late for you to love yourself. It’s not too late to let go. Jodi, it’s not too late to start praying for healing. Jodi, it’s not too late to let them in. It’s not too late to let him love you, it’s not too late to trust that he always will. It’s not too late.

It’s not too late ….

And I marinated in that all day yesterday, Mother’s Day. Surrounded by the very people who have reminded me time and again that I’m worth the work to love. That for them, it’s never too late.

I gave up on a lot of things this past year – myself included. A belief that keeping a family together was something I was capable of. I gave up believing in my immediate family, that something I held so completely sacred was something so completely flawed. I gave that away. I couldn’t do it any more, no more pretending and lying. I didn’t want to be part of that history anymore – but I had no where to go to find a new map.

I’ve felt very destroyed for a long time.

And I have a long ways to go yet, but it’s not too late for me. And God is faithful. Like water rushing over rough stones, the steady current smoothes the jagged edges … some day someone might see me and see a jewel like a child would collect the perfect river bed stones for safekeeping.

Enjoying the porch.

These are the lessons I want your heart to hold, kids. It’s never too late and God is faithful. Even if you give your ice cream away, Jessica and Oliver 😉 … even if. And especially then.

It’s going to be ok.

Love,
Mom

5 thoughts on “it’s not too late

  1. I believe Jodi that its not too late! love you. thanks for the great reminder and honesty!

  2. Everyone on the planet lives in their own mess – our internal dialogue. The stuff that no one else hears, but we do.

    Our mind tell us all kinds of things. True things, false things, irrelevant things and stupid things. Some we were taught, some were enforced on us by parents, and some we picked up from well-meaning pastors and TV.

    Then there is the voice of God. The still small voice. The voice easily missed, often ignored, but never wrong. The voice of hope, the voice of change, the voice of affirmation. The voice that says, “You can do it!”, “Forgive the offense”, and “Nothing is impossible”.

    There were days in my past I thought that things were too ugly to get better. That I had screwed up too bad, that it was too far gone. But, I was reminded of two truths that changed my life, and because I changed, it changed the lives of those around me:

    1. I have an enemy, a liar who seeks to destroy me. His power is mostly in whispering lies in my ears…and the ears of those I love. I can tell him to shut up and get lost. God gave me the ability to do that and it works.

    2. God is for me, never against me and he cares about everything in my life. He is always good, never bad and all the stuff that religion labels him with is mostly a load of poppycock. He’s not the author of bad stuff, he’s the answer.

    When I take an active stand against lies and turn to God and his truth, he never fails me.

    He makes me OK.

  3. It’s never too late! Life is a dance. Live into what’s possible for you and the people around you. You are all amazing people.

    I needed that reminder 😉

  4. I am twice as old as you with an appalling plethora of yuck. On a daily basis, I am comforted by this very fact…that it is not too late.
    Actually, I believe this is a daily renewal-kind-of-thing and it keeps me right where God wants me. you know, like never having it all figured out and needing/wanting reminders I cannot do this in my own strength.

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