How interesting that I randomly picked today on my editorial calendar to talk about Jesus.
It’s on my Life List to learn more about my faith for a lot of reasons … personally, I just needed to know more. I have and have had many questions, this past year or 5 have been incredibly difficult for me spiritually. The peaks and valleys exaggerated.
In no way do I think I’ll ever really be able to cross this off my list, it’s my hope that as I continue to mature I’ll also keep learning. I never want to stop.
But I’ve had a very naive faith (which isn’t always bad, I don’t think) mixed with a very skewed view of how faith worked – or how I wanted to embrace it.
And now I have kids old enough to watch me and put pieces together. To hear the words I say and watch my actions. To see and measure if I really am what I say I am.
It’s really hard. I remember looking at adults when I was my daughters age and thinking “Wow! They must have all the answers. I don’t think they have the questions I do, they seem so sure. They always have something to say.” And I trusted those people, the Answer People.
But part of learning about Jesus, the Bible, my faith – was learning that being quiet was just as important as having an answer. Of knowing answers. Having questions was valid. Not knowing, not resting, yearning for more … some times it’s humbling to be so unsure and other times it’s the un-surety that brings the peace.
I read a lot of books on faith, on being broken. I read them on shame and finding God. I read books about how to worship God better and how to pray. I read the Bible and study and am in Bible Studies and feel alive when I’m there. When I’m learning. When someone has something to say and my soul recognizes the words.
Right now I’m leaning into the hunger I have for God. I’m trying not to listen to the fear I experience when I say these things out loud. When I write them.
I have so much to learn and instead of the idea crippling me I’m excited to start digging in. So here’s to my Life List and how it’s challenging me not to be stagnant, and here’s to leaving the fear outside.