There’s a small clay dish made by Jessica in my kitchen and in it I’ve written a few phrases, affirmations, little cheers … I don’t always dip my hand it in and see what I wrote but once in awhile I remember it’s there and I dig around until I pull one out. The other day before hosting my first Book Club meeting with an amazing group of women it said “Write this down, never forget this feeling.”
So I wrote it down … and at the end it sounded like this; “I think I jumped. This: feels like flying.”
I journal 3 pages every morning and then through out the day as I’m working, I write long-handed and write poetry and I started painting today.
I definitely feel like an impostor in this creative space, who do I think I am? That I can paint or draw? It’s so elementary. Not good enough. It doesn’t look like it does in my mind and I realize I could quietly quit. I don’t have to take photos of the process and share them. I don’t have to do this at all.
But I want to. And even when I don’t want to, I can’t stop thinking about it. So I have to.
I’m not sure when my studio will be ready for me to work in there, but it’s on the horizon. And I’m taking classes and over time I might be more comfortable here. This foreign land of emotion meets effects.
I shared this on facebook and thought it was timely so I wanted to share this here too:
When your heart has been breaking for a really long time and you dissolve yourself into believing that it won’t get any better: that you’re not worth more than what you seem to be getting … and you start fighting for it: That’s the leap, get ready for the free fall.
This, the free fall, and the popular phrases like “Leaning in” used to make me really uncomfortable. Because I got it, but wasn’t supposed to. I wasn’t allowed to lean in. The whole Trust situation of the free fall was out of bounds.
I’ve been really encouraged lately, mostly in the silence. Some times I can get all jacked up on feedback and then I start doing things because of the feedback, not because it’s where I’m going or want to. I feel completely naked in a high school auditorium – but this time around? I’m dancing anyway.
Where’s my people? I want to hear you. What are you doing lately? Where’s your mess?