Things have been falling through the cracks lately. Purposefully. I realized somewhere in the last few months that I couldn’t keep track of everything. I couldn’t do it all. I didn’t even want to.
I’ve been having a hard time personally – the same thing keeps coming up (purpose) and the vulnerability of believing in possibility is almost crippling. The last time I made a phone call sobbing and driving was 2 years ago to my brother, this time I called Aaron while passing through the local college campus. It could be the lack of sunshine, sure. It could be a lot of things, actually. Or it could be that it’s just time.
And I’m still scared.
I think I left my heart in the dust of accomplishments. Of the success of yesterday. I keep trying to dig through the time that’s passed and figure out how to just get that back – when really I could be doing a brand new thing. I could be doing the very thing I’ve always wanted to be doing, but instead I’ll just hide underneath someone else’s dreams for me. Those are easier to believe in – I don’t have to risk my dream to trust yours.
During this time I got one of the most beautiful emails from a new friend. She said things to me like she could see my soul and called my heart beautiful. She saw something in me and she told me. And I thought, OK! This. This is what I should be doing. Almost immediately God said:
“Why don’t I have that affect on you, I’ve told you the same things. I see you, too. Jodi, I saw you first.”
Um. (looks around) Soooo, that happened.
I still struggle with the Divinity of things. How we can pray and worship and talk about God like a person, or believe in the energy of miracles. And I do, I know I do. Science even makes me believe – but then I have to trust and I’d rather be all “wait, so … you’re for real? You mean you meant it?”
And it blows my mind. BLOWS MY MIND.
Honestly, it feels like I’m failing faith by questioning these things. But I don’t buy most of the stuff I was taught while I was little. So much of what I believe now is what was taken from me while I was being taught the rules of religion. The magic of faith, the trust of your inner voice. When the still small voice calls – and you respond.
The dance now is trying not to slip into the same magic-less pattern of belief while I raise my own children. While I fight for my own family. While I discover the beauty of wonder.