I jumped a hurdle today

I had a moment today where I wondered if everything I ever believed in was true.

It’s odd how those moments bubble up in our lives. I dropped my kids off at a day care today for the very first time. An in-home, friend of my daughter’s house, day care.

All morning I talked myself out of calling to cancel, or calling just to make sure I had all the details right. I spent a good 45 minutes completely freaking out and calling Aaron, beside myself, crying. While they were still with me.

When I drove up to the house I imagined how the drop off would go, I’ll bring their bag in along with the paper with our numbers and their allergies listed. I’ll kiss their heads, they’ll cry for me and I’ll bravely walk out – ready to go to work.

Guess what happened? I walked it, presented some donuts and let my kids go. They ran away from me, not even caring that I was having a small crisis contained within my heart, letting them go. I fumbled my way through the drop off details – your number, my number, naps and did I mention this is hard for me?

Ok, gotta go.

I forgot to kiss them good bye. No matter really, they weren’t even aware that I was leaving … they were happy to play and explore this new environment. They were hopeful for donuts in just a few minutes.

I was trying to escape the moment, to force myself to be ok and put the car in reverse, to not freak out.

Try not to cry, try not to cry, try not to cry, try not t….damn it.

I drove aimlessly for a little while wondering if I should pull over and collect myself but knowing that if I did I’d just fall apart harder. Focus. Pick something. Pick somewhere.

I tried calling my mom, tried not to call Aaron and then decided to visit my mom at work.

A good idea right? Have a mental break down at your parent’s place of profession?? I thought so.

She wasn’t there. AHHHHHH!!! People are asking me if I found her, telling me she’s on her lunch – asking about the homemade donuts in my hands – are they for them?

No, no. No. Please, I just. I can’t.

And tears.

Finally I text my mom after two calls went unanswered and I just said: Mom, I need you

She called me.

I found her.

I went to her. She hugged me and I cried. Less than before, but I cried.

Leaving them there – at someone else’s home, where they make memories and have beds with sheets that don’t belong to me – it’s heart breaking. I felt like I was abandoning them. Tossing them off to someone else. Isn’t my job to be with them? Aren’t I supposed to be the one who wipes their mouths after a snack? Who suggests that shoes should be worn before playing outside?

I am that person. I will always be that person. I am their mom.

I gave myself a buffer before I had to make a meeting in town because I knew that dropping them off would be difficult. Hence the hunting my own mother. After all of that I had to go on with my day. I had to be productive and get a few things done. I had to work.

And I did and it wasn’t the end of the world. Not even my world.

I picked up the kids at the alloted time, both were filthy from playing outside in the dirt and sweating from the heat. Both weren’t ready to go home.

Both were smiling.

Oh my God, thank you. Thank you.