a thought

Yesterday I was running some errands which had to do with moving. Getting boxes, going to the bank … running around town. As I was pulling out of the bank I thought to myself “Man it’s fun to be an adult.”**

**Actual thought that went through my mind.

Then I decided I would treat myself to one of McDonalds’ chocolate dipped ice cream cones. Which I never did, by the way. I just decided I could and then I drove away.

That was yesterday. Today I stood next to my washing machine and cried while my two year old boy was watching Sesame Street. I was crossing things off my To-Do list of the day which happened to be “Price garage sale items, basement” … so I was being an adult and staying on task when it hit me.

When I could feel the panic rising I called Aaron and started to sob on the phone while he was in the car with 2 other professional folks. I could hear them through my sobbing – on the other end, sitting near Aaron, having a normal conversation and I am losing my fucking marbles.

It was not fun to be an adult this morning. I got overwhelmed. We are so excited and so very terrified at the same time about moving. Yes, we’re done with this house and have done what we can to it without doing too much and we’re not, in fact, in the school district we thought we were – we’re ready.

But it’s easy. It’s complacent to stay here. To just go on living here, shoving things in the cupboards we don’t use and putting the garage sale off another year. And it’s comfortable. We know the neighborhood, the kids have only ever known this house, we started our life as a family here.

And there’s so. much. to. do. to move.

It didn’t help that Aaron was out of town for a night and I had to carry on conversations about mortgages and banking with people he was originally having the conversation with. I had to jump in and assume that I knew the details of what was already discussed, the ideas that were swapped. It didn’t help that I was solo parenting 2 children and trying to pack up a house, get ready for a garage sale and set up times to see rental homes for the interim.

None of it helped. It was all too much. I caved. I cried. I sobbed.

This house is somewhat of a band-aid for me. The last house my (step)dad saw before he died … he walked through it weeks before he passed. Gave us his blessing, in a way. He got to see where the baby (who is now a 5 1/2 year old female) would be sleeping, she was only 5 months into being formed in my belly.

We went from 900 square feet to this house, 2,400 square feet and all kinds of ideas and dreams. Our income has only changed once since we’ve lived in this house – and that happened within the first year of being here.

We were building our “5 year plan” on the fact that we only ‘planned’ to be here for 3 of those 5 years. We’re going on six. We had another baby here, who is now a 2 year old male and sleeping in what was the office when we bought this house. He is named after Him.

This house, to us, was a stepping stone in the journey of being mortgage free. Buy, fix up and sell until we accrued enough equity to own a home scott-free.

This House.

Just goes to show that a plan is really just an idea – something to be considered. A fluid situation.

I am ready to tear off the band-aid and get going with all of this, but we’re not really changing much other than an address when we leave here and it’s really really difficult to see the silver lining when I’m knee deep in old flatware and pillow forms that I no longer need.

We’re still on a journey, just happens that this leg of it is the Roller Coaster.

If I ever write a book, my goal is to get on Oprah

Yesterday I watched Oprah. Thats right. I. Watched. Oprah.

And she had Greg Behrendt as a guest, he’s one of the authors of “He’s just not that into you”.

Now this book caught my eye, the whole show was really interesting because this Greg guy is super nice and made every woman in that audience feel like she’s worth it all. They featured a small panel of dating men who gave away their secrets too and, in all, it was just really interesting.

Now you see – today, the DAY AFTER the Oprah show aired … I check it out on amazon to see what normal people and other readers are saying about it. And already in the remarks there are women mentioning the Oprah show … from YESTERDAY.

This, my friends, amazes me. So I’ve come to the conclusion that if I ever decide to write a book – say on being pregnant (because we need more of those) or raising kids or something, anything really … I need to get on the Oprah show. Holy Moly. I’m just blown away.

Show & Tell

It’s my birthday today people. I decided last night that I wasn’t going to post about it, but it’s my 21st Birthday, and I’m pregnant – ON my 21st birthday. So my reasoning for telling everyone it’s my birthday is because I’m pregnant and this site is about me being just that.

So there.

Now some of you are thinking, so what if she’s pregnant on her 21st birthday? Yeah, I guess it doesn’t completely matter, I’m not a lush or anything. But I do enjoy the occasional alcoholic beverage, and now it’s legal – LEGAL people.
Typically on someones 21st birthday Aaron and I would drive out to GR and buy drinks for the birthday person with any number of our close friends. This, won’t be happening for Jodi tonight. And I’m not entirely bummbed, I never have been, nor do I plan on every being or wanting to be drunk. I have a 2-3 drink limit – which usually stops after 2. But I have been specifically saving some things I wanted to try for this birthday which will be put off until further notice.

It’s like when I was 9 or so – I begged my mom to buy me some of those HUGE old lady sunglasses from the dollar store, I wanted them in red. I ended up getting them along the way and I would sit in my mom’s blue Aerostar minivan, with my HUGE sunglasses on, chewing my BIG RED gum (more than one peice at a time, mind you … I was never allowed to have more than one peice at a time, but this was my secret exception to the rule) and I would have my very large play purse right next to me. All the while I would be driving my kids around town and pretending to be “Rich lady”.

That was my game. I LOVED playing Rich Lady. I pretty much got the idea from soaps on TV. My mom and I watched General Hospital when I was in kindergarten and it always stuck with me. The glamour of those HUGE sunglasses, being able to chew more than one peice of gum at time and DRIVING around town, for FUN!

I was and am a pretty simple minded being, I think. Imagination and anticipation kept my wheels turning and I never felt like I lost the innocence of having a childs mind. When I say that, I mean – like When I turned 16, I was extacitc about being able to drive, yes … but what really made my day … and I’m not kidding here people, was that I FIANLLY got put the seat belt on with my LEFT HAND.

So, like with every big event in my life there’s a much smaller one that takes the cake. I’ve never tried a martini. I’ve always wanted to try a martini on my 21st birthday. With 3 olives. That will make it for me. Not barhopping or anything … just a sip of the martini I’ve waited for, and those 3 olives.

So maybe in 9 months or even next years birthday I’ll be able to report back and let y’all know just how much that moment meant to me.

Happy Anniversary

I’m struggling with whether or not I should post this. I don’t want my dad’s photo and entries to become archives just yet. But my marriage is still a living and breathing organism in this world, one in which I have to fan the flame …

One year ago today I said “I do” to the commitment of a lifetime in front of over 200 friends and family. I got married to the best thing that has happened to me in a long time, I married my best friend, confidant, personal comedian and the love of my life. I married Aaron Louis Schaap.

Babe,

I can’t believe we made it. A whole year, through great times, through hard times, through tragedies and deaths, through births and reunions, and through the first trimester of our very own pregnancy. I love you so so much. You have been more than I could have dreamed of in supporting me through everything. You’ve been my cheerleader, my coach and my hero.

I cannot wait to meet our baby in January and I know I’ll fall in love with you all over again in the coming months and years as I watch you be a father, a daddy and a parent to our kid(s) – you’re going to be great.

I’m so happy to be with you and beside you and behind your every decision. I’m going to need you in this next year, dealing with my feelings, grief, loss, and motherhood and adjusting to the new rhythm of our lives.

Aaron Schaap, you are the sweet sweet autumn breeze I crave so much. You, my dear, are stuck with me 😉

All my love,
Jodi Michelle Schaap