I think I can, I think I can

I’m a late adapter to most things.

Which is a huge understatement.

I married a geek, a lovely one but still, and I was AGAINST getting a new computer because I didn’t want one. Or need it. But when the time came for the new one to be bought, when I did need it, I was AGAINST letting him buy me a MAC.

You see where this is going right?

THEN … when that computer that was not a MAC finally died … I caved. It only took me about 4 years but I caved and I’ve had a MAC ever since and I love it. Really, really lots.

Same thing with phones. I now have an iPhone which is wonderful and keeps my life organized like nobodies business but I was just so against it … until one day I was done with that and wanted one, wanted one, please can I have one?

Then I had to wait and beg and grovel and wait and finally last Christmas Elevator Up bought me one as a Christmas Gift. Maybe a bonus for all those late nights away from Aaron, all that traveling? Or maybe that one year we spent in hell. Yeah, that one.

This spills over into the non-tech side of my life as well. I’ve been reading about diabetics and dietary changes, I’ve been in counseling for it and worked with a nutritionalist … more than once. I’ve got all the information I need but part of me is just waiting. Waiting for the time when it clicks or when I finally say: “Self, seriously. We can do this, let’s do this. You’ve got it.”

I think that happened this morning.

I’m still having high blood sugar readings in the mornings and am back on some of the vitamins I was off of for a while – when everything was hunky dory – but it seems that my liver and pancreas just need a little support in order to function properly.

And, light bulb moment for me, I am part of that support.

I know. Shake your head. I’ve said it here before how I’m kicking this and doing good and YAH! But I am so frustrated. And I’m part of the problem.

You see. For a very long time I was not buying the things I could not eat because very simply if it was in our house I would find a way to justify the snack or bread or whatever.

I went through a small, one week stage, where I would literally sneak away and buy ice cream after the kids were in bed. I know. This is not healthy.

I have issues.

But I kept feeling like I was ALLOWED. I was doing good! I could have SUGAR!!! Right? RIGHT!?!

Then a few days would pass and I’d get a high reading after eating REALLY well for the day before and I’d freak out. Maybe eating well ISN’T doing anything good?? Maybe I can have those crackers.

I have a sick mind.

So, really … I have delayed responses to sugar in my blood stream over a period of time. And I’ve done some reading about how important it is to be on a schedule. Eat Breakfast at this time, a snack here – then lunch, don’t forget your afternoon pick me up (almonds) and a light dinner … then possibly something small, almond like a few hours after dinner if you’re active.

It’s simple enough. I mean, I can do that.

But I can’t. Or haven’t. It’s HARD. Being on a schedule to eat feels like jail to me. I don’t want to be predictable. But I so am.

Eggs in the morning.

Salad and lunch and dinner.

Almonds, coffee and water and tea in between.

You’d think I’d have this figured out by now. But alas. I’m confessing.

The bag of Easter candy is above the fridge because keeping it under my side of the bed was, really? Do I need go further with this. AWFUL.

I do this to myself.

And I’m done.

Late adapter, possibly.

Quitter? Oh Hell No.